It is 5 pm and Kesha and Katy Perry are at Katy's house, having waited since 4 pm for Rihanna to show up.
Katy: She is ALWAYS late!
Kesha: Did you tell her to get here at noon?
Katy: Yes!
Kesha: (looking out the window): Oh, here she is!
Katy: Finally! (throwing her front door open): Hey bitch, get your bubble butt in this house!
Rihanna: I'm coming! Jeez, no need to yell at me. I never seen traffic so thick! Not my fault this time!
Rihanna enters the house and hugs Katy, giving her left breast a squeeze.
Katy: Ooh! That's the most action I've gotten in a while!
Rihanna turns and hugs Kesha, then lowers her hand and grabs a handful of Kesha's butt.
Rihanna: Hey girlie, where's all your junk? Damn, you really got skinny. Let's get some food in you right now!
Katy: I ordered Thai, it should be here any minute. In the meantime, who wants a shot? I'm not drinking right now because I got totally bloated in Australia and I'm doing a cleanse. I can only drink water with a little lemon juice and ginger shavings in it. But I've got everything, vodka, scotch, whiskey. Kesh, do you want a shot of Goldschlager? It's your favorite....
Kesha: Dude, I just got out of rehab! Sure it was for bulimia, but while I was in there I realized that I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I'm 100% sober now. It pretty much sucks, but I'm committed.
Katy: I'm so proud of you, girl! Okay, RiRi, I know you want a shot. What'll it be?
Rihanna: I can't.
Kesha and Katy (in unison): WHAT?!!
Katy: What the hell?!
Kesha: What the fuck?!
Rihanna: Don't tell anyone, but I'm pregnant.
Katy and Kesha stare at Rihanna for a moment with their mouths hanging open.
Kesha and Katy (in unison): Oh my GOD!
Rihanna: Yep.
Kesha: Now that you mention it, shit, you are glowing! It's true! Pregnant bitches glow like that.
Katy: Well, whose is it? Who's the father?
Rihanna: Well...
Kesha: Spill it!
Rihanna: Officially, it's Drake's, and he's so happy about it. But just between us: I have no friggin' clue who the daddy is. I don't even remember the first half of February, let alone every person I fucked. And you know I hate rubbers! I hate that shit!
Katy: Wow. Just.... Wow.
Rihanna: I'm trying to be good and not drink or do any drugs or smoke but I'm afraid it's too late. Before I found out I was pregnant I was doing all my usual stuff. This fetus had more drugs flow through its system in a couple of weeks than Miley Cyrus had all last year.
Katy: Not to change the subject, but we gotta talk about Miley.
Rihanna: Yes, please change the subject! What about Miley?
Kesha: What did the cracked-out chipmunk hillbilly do this time?
Katy: Did you see the footage of her kissing me at her concert a couple weeks ago? She totally tried to stick her tongue in my mouth and I swear I almost vomited on the spot.
Rihanna: She's gross, but damn that girl can sing!
Kesha: I know, I love "Bangerz," That album is all I listened to in rehab. But, shhh, don't tell anyone!
Katy: Why does every damn girl want to kiss me? Just because I wrote a song about kissing a girl and liking it does not mean I really do!
Rihanna: But what about all those times we made out?
Katy: I was drunk! And I was just doing that to keep Russell interested. Remember? He had a tendency to get bored and amuse himself by sticking his dick into the nearest hole he could fit into.
Kesha: But he was sweet and he really loved you, Katy. I thought you two were great together, until it went bad. Do you ever think about giving him another chance?
Katy: Sometimes I do. I'll start to think about all the fun and laughs we had and I miss him. But he's with someone now who's better for him than I ever was. I think he's really happy now and I don't want to interfere.
Kesha: I feel like you two are souls that keep finding each other lifetime after lifetime. I don't think it will ever be truly over between you.
Katy: Well it's over in this lifetime. Let's talk about you, Kesh. Did you really drop the dollar sign from your name?
Kesha: Yeah, it was time. I think the dollar sign got me off on the wrong foot with so many people that might have really loved my music if they gave it a chance. I changed my Twitter handle too, no more Ke$haSUXXX. Now it's KeshaRose.
Rihanna: That's pretty, I like that. Is Rose your middle name?
Kesha: Yes. My mom's pretty great at naming stuff. And chasing away hot guys who want to get with me, dammit!
Katy: I love it, that's so much better. Ke$haSUXXX always bothered me. I know you were trying to own it and turn the tables on your haters. It was funny at the time, but times have changed.
Kesha and Rihanna (in unison): Yes they have.
Katy: Let's raise our glasses of water in a toast to Kesha Rose and Rihanna's baby and my fake baby in my bloated stomach.
Kesha: No I will not toast to your bloated stomach!
Rihanna: Katy, girl, you're crazy. Your stomach looks fine! Don't obsess over it.
Katy: It's hard not to when I can't fit into my clothes or any of the outfits for my show. But you're right. I've dropped weight for a tour before and I can damn well do it again!
Kesha: Now that I'll toast to!
Rihanna, Kesha, and Katy (in unison): To us!
They clink glasses and the three friends enjoy the rest of their brief time together, not knowing when they'll all be in the same city at the same time again.
This is a work of pure fiction, all content has been fabricated by the imagination of Edy O. Syncratic.
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